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#theonion

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Scientists Confirm Shingleback Lizards Only Reptiles That Mate For Sake Of Aging Mothers

ITHACA, NY—Noting that the evolutionary quirk results in plenty of familial strife, herpetologists at Cornell University confirmed Tuesday that shingleback lizards are the only reptiles that mate for the sake of their aging mothers. “Unlike other lizards, the shingleback seeks out a part…
#theonion
theonion.com/scientists-confir

Aliveness Of Baby Quintuple-Checked Before Texting New Parents Congratulations

GREEN BAY, WI—In a comprehensive and thorough effort to ensure that nothing bad had happened, the aliveness of infant Liam Graham was reportedly quintuple-checked Tuesday before texting the new parents congratulations. “I was about to pop off a quick text telling Amelia and Mike how happy I was for them, bu…
#theonion
theonion.com/aliveness-of-baby

Virtually Imperceptible Facial Expression Sends Shock Wave Through ‘White Lotus’ Fan Base

NEW YORK—With thousands flocking to social media to discuss a scene from the popular HBO series in which a character’s brow is slightly furrowed, an almost imperceptible facial expression is said to have sent a shock wave through the White Lotus fan base Sunday evening. “Y’all…did you se…
#theonion
theonion.com/virtually-imperce

Elon Musk Holds Office-Wide Contest To Guess How Many Sperm In Cup

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to raise morale by providing a fun yet challenging activity for employees of the U.S. DOGE Service, Elon Musk announced Monday a new office-wide contest to guess how many sperm were contained inside a cup placed on the front desk of the group’s headquarters. “Everyone take a good look, and no cheating! […]…
#theonion
theonion.com/elon-musk-holds-o

Tips For Getting Involved At Your Child’s School

Serving as a parent volunteer is a great way to bolster your child’s education as well as give back. The Onion shares tips for getting involved at your child’s school. Donate unwanted frogs and other dissectable specimens. Establish open communication with your child’s teacher by emailing them to complain about how math is different now. […]
The post Tips For Getting…
#theonion
theonion.com/tips-for-getting-

Washington Wizards Reminded That Bottled Water In Hotel Room Isn’t Free

ORLANDO, FL—Emphasizing that he absolutely would not tolerate another away game that ended with over $200 in room charges, Washington Wizards coach Brian Keefe reportedly reminded his team Sunday that the bottled water in their hotel wasn’t free. “I know they don’t have a price tag on them, but any water bottles in or aro…
#theonion
theonion.com/washington-wizard

Financial Experts Recommend Setting Aside Emergency Fund They Can Bilk You Out Of

NEW YORK—Warning that their sudden desire for a new sports car could leave you completely broke, many financial experts now recommend setting aside an emergency fund they can bilk you out of, reports confirmed Monday. “Many Americans are completely unprepared for a rainy day, and ideally you should ha…
#theonion
theonion.com/financial-experts

Shh, Boyfriend Doesn’t Want To Talk During Part Where They Blowing Up Pentagon

MURRIETA, CA—Reiterating his unwavering message about the importance of staying quiet during the cool parts of the movie, local boyfriend Sean Cohen reportedly didn’t want to talk Monday during the scene where they’re blowing up the Pentagon. “Shh, babe—the helicopter is doing something,” Cohen said to his gi…
#theonion
theonion.com/shh-boyfriend-doe

Democratic Leaders Stand Real Still In Hopes No One Notices Them

WASHINGTON—With the elected officials trying their hardest not to move a muscle, reports confirmed Monday that top Democratic leaders in Congress were standing real still in hopes that the American people wouldn’t notice them. “Don’t make any sudden movements, or they’ll spot us,” Rep. Hakeem Jeffries (D-NY) said out of the corner of …
#theonion
theonion.com/democratic-leader

Political Profile: Eric Adams

Despite calls for his resignation, New York City mayor Eric Adams has stated he is “not going anywhere.” Here is everything you need to know about Adams.  Nickname: This fuckin’ guy  Religion: Born-again MAGA Second-In-Command: Whoever hasn’t resigned yet Favorite Borough: Istanbul  Price: Recently lowered Turkish Airlines Status: Elite Plus Greatest Achievement: Making Bill de […]
The post Political Pro…
#theonion
theonion.com/political-profile

Justin Baldoni Sues Justin Baldoni For Getting Him Into This Mess

OJAI, CA—Seeking an immediate injunction against the American actor and director, It Ends With Us star Justin Baldoni announced Friday that he was suing It Ends With Us star Justin Baldoni for getting him into this mess. “For years, Mr. Baldoni has inflicted significant emotional distress and financial harm on my client through his …
#theonion
theonion.com/justin-baldoni-su