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#ActuallyAutistic #autistic #autism
Full honest question.
As an autistic person, do you rather have someone TELL you that they don't want to be friends with you or would you rather be ghosted?
I study philosophy and ethics/morality to a really deep level and hold myself to a personal level of integrity and honor.
If you move in the world in a manner that you want to give as much positive as you can and reduce the negative, holding onto your integrity, then the answer seems obvious.
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But it is the wrong answer.
Even if the target of your "telling" is autistic themselves, that isn't what they want.
The correct answer is ghosting the situation, apparently, based on my life now.
ADDENDUM:
All the red-flags were true and the acquaintance is a MAGAt. They are threatening me now and I'm looking to get a gun for self-protection now.
A big part of my Asperger's is that I cannot stand two-facedness, i.e. ppl who say one thing but act in the complete opposite way.
I prefer someone telling me rather than ghosting me.
I mean, grow a pair; own up to your beliefs and feelings.
Ghosting is just cowardly, imo.
Yeah, I interpret ghosting as cowardice. If you tell me to fuck off, I can probably still respect you, but ghost me and you lose even that.
@jeffowski
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I guess. 
.
You don't think we can even grab some generic resolution, talk about, "irreconcilable differences," or something?
@jeffowski probably depends on the situation. I’ve had a lot of times where someone just drops me and I keep trying to reach out because I don’t realize what happened. To the point that now I quickly assume I pissed someone off and drop contact if they seem the least bit disinterested. It’s easier to just not have friends because then I also don’t feel obligated to attend regular events.
@jeffowski@mastodon.world tell me so i don't have to guess, tell me why too so i can improve myself instead of constantly self reflecting trying to see what it is people don't like about me
@puppygirlhornypost2 -- Yeah... spent two days writing a tactful response, explaining my own trauma too, but again....
That's the wrong answer.
The correct answer was to ghost the situation.
@jeffowski@mastodon.world It can be entirely dependent on the context, if it's someone that you have told repeatedly to adjust their behavior you shouldn't waste your time telling them it again.
@puppygirlhornypost2 -- I have been socially pushed together with someone else in my community.
Surface level, we seem to be compatible and everyone wants us to be friends.
But there are too many red flags and some fundamental differences in life-view.
Whenever I compromise my principles, I am not defending my boundaries. Being friends with this person would mean some serious rational contortions to be close.
Trying to be helpful to other #autistics since I picked the wrong path, it seems.
@jeffowski I'd need to be told. A side effect of perceiving time differently is that ghosting me is simply pausing the relationship. If I remember you at all, I'll remember you as the person I last encountered. Conversely, I don't ghost anyone; I just forget that other people may require regular contacts, even if there is no significant information to communicate.
"I consider you an acquaintance, and would prefer to stay there."
There are only so many for whom I can help bury a body.
@log -- LoL... The whole point of this post is to sort of show that this is the wrong answer.
As a person that identifies as neurodivergent, if you also identify as such, I follow a different modus operandi.
I'm not forced to pre-process everything and run it through "neuro-typical" calculus before speaking or acting.
I'm running in "neuro-divergent" code and sort of assume (with great success with other neuro-divergents) that other neuro-divergents have similar sensibilities.
@jeffowski It wouldn't be the last time all the options I could select would be wrong.
@jeffowski Both of them are really painful. It is similar with lossing a hand or a leg. Nothing better, nothing worse. Both are super painful.
@jeffowski I hate being ghosted...
I think in large part I feel that way because it is very common for me to lose touch with friends for long periods, because I don't have the energy to actively maintain many friendships.
I go long periods without talking to my best friends, but we still care about each other. If I'm ghosted I don't know if it is a situation like that, or they just don't want contact.
I prefer honesty, even if it may hurt.
@jeffowski
A couple I and my spouse were friends with started ghosting us out of nothing. We didn't know why and they neglected it.
It was really a sad and confusing experience that went on for years.
At the end we just don't care about them anymore. And that feels so much better. We see us maybe one time a year with common friends, but beside that have no real contact anymore.
I really would have prefereed to just get told why that and they don't want to have contact anymore and dealt with it.
If someone behaves, in my perspective, inconsistent and I am unsure about our relationship that can bother me for long times, with lots of overthinking. In fact overthinking what might have happen and another kind of overthinking whether there is actually anything to worry about.
I would always rather be told, always.
Someone telling me I’m not their cup of tea or I’m not a priority in their life or that I’ve behaved in a way they can’t tolerate might be briefly hurtful but I can understand & accept it.
Ghosting is cowardly, selfish & cruel - it gives no chance for me to have closure or find acceptance. The ghoster saves themself the brief discomfort of an awkward conversation at the cost of leaving me wondering what I did for months
@Lemlems @pathfinder -- And again, this is the wrong answer. Ghosting was the right answer.
The person that I felt too many red-flags over has blown a gasket now that I've rejected the friendship and ALL the issues that were red flags and pointing to other possible issues have also blown up and confirmed all the red-flags and my feelings about the situation.
They have also proven to be a MAGAt and has become the most nasty person ever.
I also think there is some other background.
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The other reason he is getting all butthurt over it is because I found out that he has a daughter that is very low contact with him.
Apparently, I picked up on all the red-flags really early on and they were all true.
Because that person is a hateful MAGAt, I now have to get a gun to protect the house. YUP, it's progressing to be THAT BAD.
So to be clear, the correct answer is to ghost and don't look back.
And another big issue that has come up in this discussion on another forum:
The person claimed to be Autistic, but this seems be a big thing among the Elon Musk/Donald Trump crowd. I don't actually think this guy is autistic, but uses it as an excuse for his awful behaviors.
I believe this is the actual case and why the "correct answer" is actually the "wrong answer" and this bit of information is the key to understanding all of this.
:EA DATA. SF: @jeffowski just tell me, please. I will never "get it" if you didn't tell me. I might calculate that it's likely, but won't assume unless you tell me.
I like (for lack of a better word) being outright told because I metacognition my way through looking for social signals but it's still something that isn't an inherent skill
So if someone outright signals they don't want me around vs being "busy", the pain is sharper, sure, but I get over it faster and waste less energy.
Because sometimes people really are just very busy and I don't want to have to pull out my fucking detective's magnifying glass 
to figure out which one it is
@jeffowski
Now if you mean outright ghost ghost, like no contact at all, complete and total silent treatment, that gets the point across I guess.
I've just never personally had anyone who "ghosted" me actually do it 100% no contact, leading to me being confused as to how to interpret their signals.
Instead it'd be say people who don't reply to texts but see me somewhere and seem happy to see me.
Not engaging in texts/PMs when overloaded is an ND and also introvert trait for some people.
@jeffowski to be clear - do you mean you are an autistic person desiring answers from anyone, or are you asking that autistic people in particular answer the question?
@dragonfrog -- I'm autistic and this other person claimed to be autistic, so I THOUGHT my actions were the preferred honorable actions.
But if you read the thread, I'm not quite certain the other person's claims of being autistic is true (see thread about how a lot of Elon Musk/Donald Trump supporters are claiming Autism for themselves and using it as a shield for bad behavior).
And all my red-flags ended up being true and this guy is a MAGA. He's butthurt and now I have to consider my safety.
@jeffowski I'm sorry you're in such an unpleasant situation with this person.
I was aware people are using autism to excuse the shitty behaviour of people who happen to be both autistic and shitty, I suppose it's not surprising that neurotypical shits would start claiming to be autistic themselves.
@jeffowski I'd rather have people honest and upfront instead.
- Ghosting feels very inconsiderate and cowardly as if one isn't even worth addressing.
Also makes it easy to find closure!