One thing that has been weighing on me lately is how much other people’s perception of mediffers from how I view myself. I believe I’m a very compassionate, caring, generous person who usually puts other people’s needs above my own. Maybe some of this is a personality developed from trauma, but I believe who I am at my core is also very generous and loving. I feel emotions very deeply, but I am also logical. In cases where I’m unable to externally process around people, my rational and logical thoughts may not be apparent. My internal experience isn’t necessarily obvious to those around me. It’s weird, though, feeling like other people don’t really see the real me. I don’t claim to know exactly how others perceive me, but some things I’ve heard are that I am intimidating, demanding, judgmental, a confident person who takes charge and goes for what she wants, but also overly sensitive, and a drama queen. 

If others feel I hold them to high standards, they should know my standards for myself are even higher. Being a good, honest, compassionate person is very important to me. This likely stems from a belief that I’m not allowed to have needs, that my value is only found in what I can do for other people. Growing up, I was always very aware of how much of a burden I was, for things beyond my control. When my parents got divorced, I was the person my mom talked to about everything. I felt responsible for her wellbeing, and I wanted to do anything I could to please both her and my father. This still affects me to this day, both in how I treat myself and how I treat others. I couldn’t make my parents happy, and I can’t make my friends happy either. 

It’s always such a shock to the system to learn that despite my good intentions, I am the villain in other people’s story. They don’t see me for me. When things fall apart, I’m blamed for everything that went wrong, and they’re just a victim who fell into some supposed trap. They don’t see their flaws as easily as they see mine; they don’t notice how their actions influenced the negative outcome. Regardless of how much I did for them, it’s never enough. And yet, who I am is always too much: too much anxiety, too much trauma, too many “expectations.” The saying, “If I’m too much, go find less” applies, but how do I learn to not care? How do I avoid internalizing things that are said about me? 

I’ve taken many people into my home over the years, believing I was helping them. Most people ended their stay here hating me, seeing me as crazy, or even as just a bad person. In most cases, allowing people to stay here was not what I wanted and did not benefit me. I prioritized their needs and comfort; they chose to come here; yet, I’m still the villain in their story. 

People say not to let other people tell you who you are, but I’ve been told many times throughout my life that my perception of events is wrong. When others’ version of reality clashes with mine, and their perception of me conflicts with who I am, how do I learn to trust myself? If I try to put good intentions out into the world, yet it’s perceived differently, then haven’t I failed? Why even try with people if it gets me nowhere? 

Someone I attempted to help years ago is actively telling people I’m a horrible person. I apparently hurt a friend years ago and had no idea until she came back into my life recently. Someone else avoided talking to me about issues she was having, and ultimately ended up ghosting me. I recently discovered someone I considered a close friend blocked me, because she blames me for a situation that didn’t involve me. Even though I tried to support her and do right by her at every turn, she still doesn’t want me in her life. It’s heartbreaking. 

All I want is to live a peaceful life with a few people who love me, in an environment where we all support each other and make each other’s lives easier. Yet, I can’t seem to avoid hurting people, and ultimately losing them. I feel like my pure intentions should be obvious to anyone who interacts with me, but they don’t notice and it hurts. Even people who have known me for years don’t value what I have to offer. I don’t know how to bridge this gap, to be the person other people need me to be. It would seem I can’t, so I’ll just be grateful for the people I have right now. I have to let people come and go as they please, even when it hurts. I have to accept that I will be the villain in people’s story when they refuse to take accountability, develop self-awareness, and work on themselves. All I can do is continue trying to be a good person, try to avoid putting myself into bad situations for other people’s benefit, and just give myself compassion for the grief I feel for the people I’ve lost. Everything happens for a reason, and every situation has taught me something. I am grateful for every lesson I’ve learned, for every person who has come into my life and left footprints on my heart. 

To those I’ve hurt, I’m truly sorry. No one is perfect, and I’m certainly no exception. I’ve made many mistakes, been horrible at communication, shut down from stress when others needed me to spring into action. I’m sorry I couldn’t be the support you needed when you needed, but I hope you know my intentions were always pure. I would never intentionally hurt anyone. I love you and wish you nothing but the best in life. Thank you for everything you taught me, thank you for allowing me into your life for a short time. My hope is that healing finds its way to you, each and every one of you who I’ve hurt. Thank you for reading this. 

https://healingwithyessie.com/2024/04/23/learning-to-accept-being-misunderstood-who-i-am-vs-the-stranger-they-see/